" I also...applaud his strength and conviction to save sex for the marriage bed."
He was speaking about the recent marriage of conservative youtube activist Steven Crowder and Crowder's belief that one should save their virginity for marriage.
Mark may be applauding, but I'm not.
He may see Crowder's abstinence as strength, but I don't. I see it as weakness. And the "conviction" this weakness expresses in Crowder is a lack of belief in the capacities of his own mind: the mind's capacity to make judgements about what is good or bad for his life.
"Our wedding was truly a once in a lifetime event. It was a God’s-honest celebration of two completely separate lives now becoming one. Physically, emotionally, financially and spiritually, everything that made us who we were individually was becoming what bonded us together."
Indeed, there are many kinds of values: spiritual, emotional, intellectual, sexual, material. All of them play a rational (though not necessarily equal role) in judging who to be friends with, to what degree, and whom to be intimate with. But certainly Mr. Steven Crowder indulged in the deeply emotional, the deeply spiritual and the deeply financial with his wife prior to getting married. But if one is to indulge in those things, why is it that the sexual is made to be an exception to the rule? Why isn't the sexual included among the values that can be explored fully, prior to a lifelong commitment? Why does he consider sexual values, unlike other values, to be something taboo to evaluate pre-commitment ?
Let's imagine if we substituted any other kind of value instead of sex when it comes to qualifying a (romantic) relationship: "Pre-martial emotional values are shameful! You have to be married before you can truly show love and accept love! Remaining cold to your prospective spouse is the only way to martial bliss. Only after you are married may you indulge in this defective act of loving one another, (and only if you intend to use that feeling to motivate you to make babies) in order to have "clear conscience".
How about substituting spiritual values? "Do not get to know someone before marrying them. The presence of religion or not in their person. Believe in Jesus, Allah, The Force, Spaghetti God? No God? How dare you indulge in pesky questions about beliefs. Knowing the spirit of the person you intend to commit to is sacrilege! Don't get to know their virtues (if any), nor their essence of personality and strength (or weakness). Do not worry about their fundamental ideas about existence and what they think is appropriate for them and others, because that certainly will be of no consequence whatsoever when the guiding pure light of marriage washes away all our imperfections."
Sounds irrational, right? Sex is no different.
Imagine on your wedding night realizing you are not a match for this person, after having made a lifelong commitment to them. You are lying there in a state or premature ejaculation, or exhaustion at attempt to climb Everest before ever learning to climb a tree. You are in either one of two states: blissful ignorance of you and your partners ineptitude or you are thinking: "Oh fuck." because you know somewhere in the recesses of your mind you just gambled with 100000:1 odds and lost your life savings. But what better way to show that you love yourself and your partner than by not knowing anything at all about their sexual needs or yourself prior to telling each other that you will fuck them and only them for the next 70 years. That couldn't possibly result in any problems, right?
And fundamentalists are confused about the divorce rate.
You know, I am not a proponent of marriage, but if you are going to do it, isn't that some important information to have? Like, if you can actually enjoy sex (in general or with this person) at all, before making a lifelong legal commitment? More importantly, like if you actually have the capacity to know your own body and know good sex from bad sex instead of zombie-fucking your way through the whole thing, while 20 years later your "improvements" amount to the improvements a child makes in moving from tricycle to training wheels --- just you have no reference point to ever know how much of a failure you and your partner are, so if a survey asked you would say "satisfied" but if anyone else ever saw you fuck they would burst into laughter?
To simplify, you can't know if you like fucking in the back hole until you actually do it. And when you like it and she hates it, well, looks like it's time to add to your repression! It's not like society doesn't have any examples of that kind of frustration mounting over a lifetime before it explodes in dangerous ways. And even if it didn't you still have to deal with being unhappy with that aspect of your life...and as anyone with experience knows, it is only a matter of time until one aspect starts to poison the other aspects of your lives. It is a recipe for unhappiness. And by any truly life-affirming standard, that is wrong.
To hold a creed that individuals should make an exception out of sex is immoral. To demand otherwise is to demand sacrifice. It is to say that fulfillment in this world is to take a fearful backseat to whatever kind of dogma.
But, if you think this kind of "work on it" sacrifice is noble, do not go half-way --- go all the way. Be consistent about it! I for one am tired of all this pick and choose bullshit. Christian couples who indulge in other values but exclude sex are as contradictory as those Christians who indulge in premarital sex but "OMG abortion is wrongzzzz!" (don't worry, he has to pay, ladies).
Steven Crowder's chance is gone, but I will give YOU a chance to show the world some REAL "moral integrity". Grab a total stranger, and marry them. The less attractive the better, since the less you approve of their appearance the greater the sacrifice you will have made, and thus the greater the moral value and virtue you will have gained. After all, if it's okay to roll the dice at 100000:1, it is certainly okay to roll the dice at 100,000,000,000:1.
Abstinence in the name of marriage is like, totally eww.